Our First Date

We matched on Hinge on September 29th, 2024. I had filled my profile with original jokes—potentially polarizing jokes. I figured being my authentic self would act as a filter that would scare off anyone that wasn't compatible with me.

One such joke:

I went on a blind date once. Turns out, she was a black widow spider. The whole time, I was afraid she just wanted to mate with me, kill me, and eat me.
Now I know how women feel.

I also recall that I picked the "How my name is pronounced" audio prompt and recorded the sound of a fax machine. It was, by all means, a bizarre profile. For my sake alone, they should've renamed the app "Unhinged."

A Like. Someone liked my profile—someone liked my jokes. I went to see the profile of who had a truly great sense of humor.

Her name was Jess. She had responded to the "two truths and a lie" on my profile:

I had to relearn how to read, I gave everything I owned to an unhoused fellow, and I'm neurotypical.

Her first message was something along the lines of "You're definitely not neurotypical!"

We messaged each other for hours that night—I told more jokes. One I still recall from that night:

I had to abandon the last book I was reading because I couldn't follow the plot.
It was called The Dictionary.

We set a date for October 1st. That year, of course. It'd be ridiculous to set a date farther out than that. We picked a place neither of us had been to that was fairly close to being in-between both of us: Window Coffee Bar.

I was nervous on the drive over there, but when we met in the parking lot, I felt comfortable and was present in the moment. We entered the hip coffee shop, ordered our coffees, and sat at a table. We didn't sit on the ceiling—we couldn't defy gravity at that time. (We still can't, but I'm working on an antigravity machine in my spare time. I haven't made much progress, though. All I've got so far is the concept for an antigravity machine. But, hey, it's progress.)

She told stories about her experiences as a teacher. I told jokes one probably shouldn't tell on a first date; I didn't care about what everybody says what one "should" or "shouldn't" do on a first date—I was being myself. We talked for four hours.

When the date came to a close and we headed back to our cars, we planned our following date and parted with a hug.

I drove back to my condo overjoyed. I finally found someone who loved committing arson as much as me.