Gift-Giving

Jess and I recently retook a love language quiz, and the results for both of us were completely different than the last time we took it. Of course, we’ve been together a lot longer than we were when we first took the quiz, but the quiz itself doesn’t tell the whole story.

My current primary love language at only 30% of the five different love languages is quality time, and Jess’ current primary love language is receiving gifts—also at 30%.

For me, Jess’ presence is enough for me to feel loved. Never before in my life have I gotten so many compliments. She’s kind and thoughtful; when she’s not present, she leaves me little notes scattered throughout the house. Whenever I’m less than my normal up-beat self, she shows immediate concern. Whatever she may have been doing at the time, she forgets about it and directs all of her attention to me. I don’t know if she realizes that she does this; her focus when she attunes to my emotions might be so directed at me that she doesn’t even register that she does it. She’s always there for me, even when she’s going through more difficult times.

Jess’ results that she feels loved receiving gifts is not an indication of materialism on her part—it’s an indication of how frequently I give her gifts.

Before I met Jess, I developed a philosophy regarding gift-giving on prescribed occasions such as Christmas or birthdays as being lesser than giving gifts sporadically throughout the year. To me at the time, the expectation of a giving or receiving a gift kind of robbed the gesture of its meaning. I preferred to give gifts when they’re least expected—I thought they had more meaning in that they are expressions of a continual thoughtfulness.

Still, once we started dating, I gave Jess gifts on Christmas, her birthday, and our anniversary—I wanted to show Jess that she was important to me, as it seemed at the time that not giving gifts on such occasions would be interpreted differently than I would be able to convey.

“Yo jack, you got me nothing for Christmas?! Wtf, bruv?” (That’s how she talks.)
“Yeah, babe. I don’t believe in it.”

I couldn’t imagine that going over well.

Now, I’m fortunate from all the profits I make as a made-man in the mob, so I still give gifts sporadically throughout the year in addition to the usual special days, but I want to state emphatically that my gift-giving pales in comparison to Jess’.

Jess gives gifts that are way more thoughtful than the gifts I tend to give (she gave me a book that was all about me, a jar containing little notes of her favorite moments with me, a heart-shaped arrangement of sticky notes of everything she loves about me) since my gifts tend to be mostly purchases of what she said she likes she mentions in passing with no expectation of ever getting or things I thought would be cool and she just happens to like as well.

Where I previously thought of gift-giving as a gesture of love that could be made more meaningful by simply giving the gifts at unexpected times, I realize now that this whole time Jess has been showing me that gift-giving doesn’t have to be a gesture at all: a gift can skip the symbolism and go straight to the experience.

I think that’s why I’ve been blogging as much as I have lately; I’ve been searching for ways to show my love. I know I’ve been writing these posts to a general audience, but the posts are really intended for Jess.

I love you, babe.