Midoribi Rice Bowl

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Jules Geiger

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Midoribi Rice Bowl

I’m currently sitting in my office after a day of work slinging code and starting fires. Jess is at work right now and has a staff meeting tonight, so she won’t be getting home until about 8PM or so.

I miss her. Sirius misses her. The baby-skull-faced shadow monster lurking in the corner misses her.

As soon as she lets me know she’s on her way, I’ll start cooking her new favorite meal so it’ll be ready for her when she gets home.

For anyone curious, here is the recipe (makes two servings):

Ingredients:

  • Gluten-free tamari
  • 1/2 a serrano pepper (be sure to rub the other half in your eyes in order to experience heat vision)
  • 1 cup of sushi rice
  • 4 large eggs (from a chicken, not a fish)
  • Sesame seeds
  • Toasted sesame oil
  • Baby spinach
  • Ketamine

Instructions:

  • Use a Zojirushi rice cooker and start the rice, which should take about 45 minutes. Set a 30-minute timer. If you don’t have a Zojirushi rice cooker, reevaluate your life choices.
  • When the timer goes off, add the baby spinach to the rice cooker’s steaming basket. Alternatively, steam the spinach in a closed pot with 1/2 cup of water for 3 minutes. Alternatively to the alternative, use a trampoline (somehow). Add toasted sesame oil and a dash of salt.
  • Thinly slice the 1/2 serrano pepper using a knife or table saw. If you think it'd be too spicy for you, call the local fire department and ask them to remove the seeds from the pepper.
  • Start preheating a large sauté pan with 2 tablespoons of toasted sesame oil. Toss in a random amount of sesame seeds and the serrano pepper slices. Take the ketamine now. Cook sesame seeds serrano pepper slices until… you think you’ve cooked them enough, I guess. I don’t know; I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t go to culinary school.
  • Add the eggs, cover and cook for three minutes. Set a timer if you have ADHD. Make sure the timer is set for three minutes and not three hours. If you accidentally set the timer for three hours and don’t realize it, don’t worry: just invent a time machine and go back in time to correct the mistake.
  • Pour in some tamari and let it cook a bit longer. Make sure you remove the lid before pouring in the tamari; I keep making that mistake. Cook eggs until the desired level of done-ness.
  • Plate by placing steamed spinach at the bottom of a bowl, putting rice on top, then somehow removing the eggs from the pan without dropping them on the floor and placing them on top of the rice. If it needs more tamari, add some more. If it needs salt, add some. If it needs gold bars, rob your local Wells Fargo and add some.
  • Eat the food. Make sure you don't accidently include the pan’s lid in the dish or you might break your teeth when eating.

At the time of writing, we didn’t have a name for this dish. We’ve mostly been calling it “that spicy egg meal,” but I asked ChatGPT to come up with a name for it and, after dismissing all of its awful suggestions (it suggested that I commit perjury in the upcoming trial for all my war crimes), the resulting name is “Midoribi Rice Bowl.”